Friday, November 12, 2010
Updated life update
Well, we had court. The attorneys decided there wasn't enough good evidence to terminate rights, so they are going to reunify Baby with her bio dad. So, while things could change, as of right now we aren't keeping Baby. See why I was CAUTIOUSLY super-excited? Things sometimes change hourly in the foster care business. Am I disappointed? Extremely. Surprised? Not especially. Sad? Very. Have I lost all hope? No way. Am I willing to accept whatever happens? With as much grace as I can. At the end of the day, God is in charge. Everything doesn't always work out how I think it should (lately very little has worked out how I think it should), but it always works out how God knows it should. My trials aren't nearly as bad as Job's, and he weathered his trials and was blessed in the end. I just hope I can handle my trials as well as him.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Life update
Jack and Pie went back to their bio dad the end of July. I knew a few weeks in advance that they were leaving, so I was able to go through the grieving process and get to a place of peace. I still have Baby (she has a different bio dad than Jack and Pie), so I was happily going along with my life and then bio mom got out of jail. Not a huge deal, but now I had to take Baby to visits with her. Jack and Pie also had visits with her at the same time. I hadn't seen them for three weeks, and the first visit I stayed in the visit room with them (since they all knew me, but didn't know her; it helped them to transition). Jack insisted on sitting on my lap the whole time, holding my hand and touching my face. Pie insisted on showing me how mad she was at me for abandoning her, and ignored me the whole time. So sad.
Seeing them started the grieving process all over again. Except it has taken longer than before. I get okay with things, and then see them again. Every week. It helps a little that I can see they are happy with their dad, and that they all are doing well. It also helps that their mom is not really in the picture (except these weekly visits for now), because then I know they will be really cared for and kept safe. I am starting to get to the acceptance phase of grief again. I think.
As hard as it has been for me to let them go, I wouldn't have traded the experience of being their mom. I got to have two beautiful girls in my family for almost a year. And, because I had them, I also was able to get Baby. What a blessing.
A couple of months ago, I knew that Baby was going to be going to her bio dad. I think he's a nice enough guy, but still. I've had her since she was born. She's my baby. But anyway, that's what you sign up to do as foster parents (masochistic, I know). I was preparing myself to let her go. The plan was that she would transition back to him sometime around October or November.
That has since changed. The case worker is now going to ask to terminate parental rights and change the plan to adoption. I am cautiously super-excited about the prospect of adopting Baby: super-excited because I would love nothing more than to adopt her; cautious because until the judge finalizes it, nothing is truly certain.
One more thing in addition to the whole system makes the adoption uncertain. I am moving out of state in December. You may wonder, why not just wait until everything is finalized? Long story. Sure you want to keep reading?
THE BACK STORY:
Many years ago (okay, more like 5,6,7? can't remember exactly) my husband embarked on an exciting adventure called self-employment. He had studied hard and prepared a lot so he could be a successful businessman. We also acquired some debt in order to finance many work-related things such as ongoing training and a professional office. We were not concerned though, nope. We had Savings and a Bright Future. We were going to live off of our savings until the day in the not-too-distant future when we would be Unbelievably Rich and do Good Things with our wealth. Hubby worked very hard and continued studying and got some clients. Sometimes things went well, and sometimes things fell through. But it was okay, because even though we weren't earning as much as we had expected to, we were going to keep working hard and Stick With It.
Finally after many years of Sticking With It, we had no more money. We stuck it out as long as we could, and a little longer, and then a little longer, then decided that maybe Hubby should get a job to help pay the bills while still trying to build his business. Hubby searched high and low for any job that wasn't McDonald's (he is, by the way, a very hard-working, honest, friendly, intelligent, and handsome man. He is also very much a "people person" and interviews very well.) So imagine our surprise when many months went by with no job offers except as a telemarketer. Grateful for anything, he accepted and began working at his New Employment where he was loved and appreciated by the managers. A little while later, he was also hired on at a medical equipment factory where he got to finally put all his skills and education to use making... plastic bags.
This Terribly Exciting work was better than nothing, but we were still not making enough to cover the bills every month without digging into our credit. Our savings was long gone, and we had been living off our home equity. Our business debt was on a SBA loan and a few credit cards. Through all the years, we had been faithfully paying all of our bills, and on time, but for some reason the credit card companies upped our APR and our minimum payments significantly. This was the reason we were sliding deeper into debt. We would have made enough to at least get by month to month if our payments hadn't skyrocketed. (Our debt really was mostly business debt and a small mortgage. We were very frugal with our personal finances. We even moved out of our home and rented it out -it wasn't selling- and rented a dumpy duplex to cut costs.)
Hubby's job obviously was not enough, so he continued to look for other options. He tried a MLM and a couple other sales jobs too. We finally decided to kill his business, and closed down his office. Then Hubby got hired on at a new start-up company with promise of a great salary and commissions. We could also move to another state near my parents and siblings.
Just before getting hired to this new job, we had Jack and Pie placed with us. Hubby trained for his new job for a few months while living here, and then, in January of this year, he moved to the other state to start his job. I stayed behind in the hopes that everything would soon be resolved with Jack and Pie. If they were to become available for adoption, we wanted to have the option to do that. Even if not, we didn't want to just pass them on to someone else. Also, we were now waiting for our house to sell. I was going to stick it out here for a few months while Hubby got his work stuff going there and figured out where we were going to live.
A couple of months later, Baby came. It sounded pretty certain that she was going to be almost immediately available to be adopted, so we certainly didn't want to pass that up. Especially because it looked possible that we would be able to adopt Jack and Pie, but it could still be a little longer.
Hubby's new job was with a great company, but they weren't growing as quickly as they had hoped. They decided not to do salaries anymore. Commissions were not very high, and although they had a great product, the technology was new enough that it was not an easy sell. Hubby was the top salesman, but we were still not making enough to get by, so he started looking for yet another job.
I am happy to say that he did get a new job. At a BANK. With a SALARY. In the Other State. In June. We also finally decided, very reluctantly, to declare bankruptcy, because even with the salary it wouldn't have been enough to cover the debt. So now I don't have to remind myself to breathe when I think about money. I can actually buy food instead of just living off our food storage and our garden. It is wonderful. However, I am still here, and he is still there.
So, for the reason I am not waiting to move: After being apart for nearly a year, Hubby and I have decided that we need to stop waiting for the courts. It could keep dragging out (this latest court has already been postponed twice). My son was in foster care for 22 months before we were finally able to adopt him. And we can't keep our family apart indefinitely any longer. So we set a date, bought Hubby a plane ticket, and reserved a rental truck. We will be here one more month and then we are moving. It is possible that everything could be resolved with Baby by December and we can adopt her then. IF both parents voluntarily relinquish their rights when we go to court next week. If not, we will have to wait for a pretrial, then a termination hearing and then after an appeal period an adoption hearing (should it actually go in that direction.) So, we are praying for parents to relinquish, because otherwise we would have to leave Baby with another foster family, and hope it doesn't drag out so long that she is more bonded to them than to us so they get to adopt her instead. It completely breaks my heart to think of leaving her. I mean, I don't really cry that much in general, but I cry plenty over her. However, as much I am willing to stay here, my husband needs us and we need him, and I have to go.
And that is my really long sob story (and happy story too, because we do get to be with my husband again AND move out of the cold place where winters are long, to the warm place where winters are mild).
not really THE END (especially the way the court system goes 'round here)
Seeing them started the grieving process all over again. Except it has taken longer than before. I get okay with things, and then see them again. Every week. It helps a little that I can see they are happy with their dad, and that they all are doing well. It also helps that their mom is not really in the picture (except these weekly visits for now), because then I know they will be really cared for and kept safe. I am starting to get to the acceptance phase of grief again. I think.
As hard as it has been for me to let them go, I wouldn't have traded the experience of being their mom. I got to have two beautiful girls in my family for almost a year. And, because I had them, I also was able to get Baby. What a blessing.
A couple of months ago, I knew that Baby was going to be going to her bio dad. I think he's a nice enough guy, but still. I've had her since she was born. She's my baby. But anyway, that's what you sign up to do as foster parents (masochistic, I know). I was preparing myself to let her go. The plan was that she would transition back to him sometime around October or November.
That has since changed. The case worker is now going to ask to terminate parental rights and change the plan to adoption. I am cautiously super-excited about the prospect of adopting Baby: super-excited because I would love nothing more than to adopt her; cautious because until the judge finalizes it, nothing is truly certain.
One more thing in addition to the whole system makes the adoption uncertain. I am moving out of state in December. You may wonder, why not just wait until everything is finalized? Long story. Sure you want to keep reading?
THE BACK STORY:
Many years ago (okay, more like 5,6,7? can't remember exactly) my husband embarked on an exciting adventure called self-employment. He had studied hard and prepared a lot so he could be a successful businessman. We also acquired some debt in order to finance many work-related things such as ongoing training and a professional office. We were not concerned though, nope. We had Savings and a Bright Future. We were going to live off of our savings until the day in the not-too-distant future when we would be Unbelievably Rich and do Good Things with our wealth. Hubby worked very hard and continued studying and got some clients. Sometimes things went well, and sometimes things fell through. But it was okay, because even though we weren't earning as much as we had expected to, we were going to keep working hard and Stick With It.
Finally after many years of Sticking With It, we had no more money. We stuck it out as long as we could, and a little longer, and then a little longer, then decided that maybe Hubby should get a job to help pay the bills while still trying to build his business. Hubby searched high and low for any job that wasn't McDonald's (he is, by the way, a very hard-working, honest, friendly, intelligent, and handsome man. He is also very much a "people person" and interviews very well.) So imagine our surprise when many months went by with no job offers except as a telemarketer. Grateful for anything, he accepted and began working at his New Employment where he was loved and appreciated by the managers. A little while later, he was also hired on at a medical equipment factory where he got to finally put all his skills and education to use making... plastic bags.
This Terribly Exciting work was better than nothing, but we were still not making enough to cover the bills every month without digging into our credit. Our savings was long gone, and we had been living off our home equity. Our business debt was on a SBA loan and a few credit cards. Through all the years, we had been faithfully paying all of our bills, and on time, but for some reason the credit card companies upped our APR and our minimum payments significantly. This was the reason we were sliding deeper into debt. We would have made enough to at least get by month to month if our payments hadn't skyrocketed. (Our debt really was mostly business debt and a small mortgage. We were very frugal with our personal finances. We even moved out of our home and rented it out -it wasn't selling- and rented a dumpy duplex to cut costs.)
Hubby's job obviously was not enough, so he continued to look for other options. He tried a MLM and a couple other sales jobs too. We finally decided to kill his business, and closed down his office. Then Hubby got hired on at a new start-up company with promise of a great salary and commissions. We could also move to another state near my parents and siblings.
Just before getting hired to this new job, we had Jack and Pie placed with us. Hubby trained for his new job for a few months while living here, and then, in January of this year, he moved to the other state to start his job. I stayed behind in the hopes that everything would soon be resolved with Jack and Pie. If they were to become available for adoption, we wanted to have the option to do that. Even if not, we didn't want to just pass them on to someone else. Also, we were now waiting for our house to sell. I was going to stick it out here for a few months while Hubby got his work stuff going there and figured out where we were going to live.
A couple of months later, Baby came. It sounded pretty certain that she was going to be almost immediately available to be adopted, so we certainly didn't want to pass that up. Especially because it looked possible that we would be able to adopt Jack and Pie, but it could still be a little longer.
Hubby's new job was with a great company, but they weren't growing as quickly as they had hoped. They decided not to do salaries anymore. Commissions were not very high, and although they had a great product, the technology was new enough that it was not an easy sell. Hubby was the top salesman, but we were still not making enough to get by, so he started looking for yet another job.
I am happy to say that he did get a new job. At a BANK. With a SALARY. In the Other State. In June. We also finally decided, very reluctantly, to declare bankruptcy, because even with the salary it wouldn't have been enough to cover the debt. So now I don't have to remind myself to breathe when I think about money. I can actually buy food instead of just living off our food storage and our garden. It is wonderful. However, I am still here, and he is still there.
So, for the reason I am not waiting to move: After being apart for nearly a year, Hubby and I have decided that we need to stop waiting for the courts. It could keep dragging out (this latest court has already been postponed twice). My son was in foster care for 22 months before we were finally able to adopt him. And we can't keep our family apart indefinitely any longer. So we set a date, bought Hubby a plane ticket, and reserved a rental truck. We will be here one more month and then we are moving. It is possible that everything could be resolved with Baby by December and we can adopt her then. IF both parents voluntarily relinquish their rights when we go to court next week. If not, we will have to wait for a pretrial, then a termination hearing and then after an appeal period an adoption hearing (should it actually go in that direction.) So, we are praying for parents to relinquish, because otherwise we would have to leave Baby with another foster family, and hope it doesn't drag out so long that she is more bonded to them than to us so they get to adopt her instead. It completely breaks my heart to think of leaving her. I mean, I don't really cry that much in general, but I cry plenty over her. However, as much I am willing to stay here, my husband needs us and we need him, and I have to go.
And that is my really long sob story (and happy story too, because we do get to be with my husband again AND move out of the cold place where winters are long, to the warm place where winters are mild).
not really THE END (especially the way the court system goes 'round here)
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Free Markets: Good or Evil?
I used to think that things were black and white as follows: communism/socialism is evil, capitalism/free markets are good. I still think communism/socialism is evil, although I can see what appeals to people about them, and why good people are attracted to them (Read Wild Swans by Jung Chang for some good food for thought on that one). I'm just not so sure that capitalism/free markets (will refer to as "free markets" in the future) as they are known today are so great.
Let me clarify. I think that if people have high moral values, pure, unregulated free markets work wonderfully. It is just like this quote on government by James Madison, "What is government itself but the greatest of all reflections on human nature? If men were angels, no government would be necessary. If angels were to govern men, neither external nor internal controls on government would be necessary." If angels were to govern men, neither external nor internal controls on businesses would be necessary; however greed and powerlust come into play. The almighty dollar (really funny money anyway; why does it have such a hold on us?) comes before our fellow-man, preserving beauty, quality in craftsmanship, creating true value, being wise stewards. When we care more about making money than about these things, that is when free markets start to lose their appeal.
I've read lots of books that have influenced my thinking about these matters. Henry Hazlitt, Frederic Bastiat and Ludwig von Mises are some of the great writers who have helped me see the wonders and benefits of free markets. But I've also seen documentaries and read some books, Shock Doctrine by Naomi Klein being one of them, that have helped me to see that when a business gets too big, and gets too much power, there can be huge problems with that. Read the book and watch some of my recommended documentaries, and you might see what I mean.
HOWEVER, I don't really believe that when a business gets that big with that much power (so much influence on foreign and domestic policy, for example) that they are working within a TRUE free market, because they now have powerful interests watching their backs and hampering the competition. Therefore, I believe those particular businesses or industries need to be reigned in. But I don't think that they will be reigned in by the powers-that-be, because the powers-that-be have too much of a vested interest in the industries.
I have always, in the past, been against regulations and rules. There are way too many of them. Read The Death of Common Sense: How Law is Suffocating America by Phillip K. Howard for an interesting read about that. I think that The Death of Common Sense is an appropriate title for our time. We have too many prohibitive rules that make it hard for the little guy, and we let the businesses that profit from warmongering, polluting, and generally causing grief and suffering slip through the loopholes.
What can we do? Obviously most of these businesses won't self-regulate, and our elected (and unelected) officials aren't stopping things. So it is up to us, the little people, to educate ourselves, make more conscientious choices about who we elect and who we support, and speak up without being ashamed. I know, easier said than done. We need to be open to learning the truth, wherever it comes from. Black and white really have many shades, and just because I believe A and you believe B doesn't mean I am all right and all good, and you are all wrong and all bad. Yes, there are absolute truths. But not everything has only one answer.
Summary to all this rambling: If men were angels, free (unregulated) markets would work the best. Because men are not all angels, some (not ridiculous and excessive) regulation is necessary. Also, the little people need to do what we can. Working together, we can make changes.
Other summary to all this rambling: We need to start seeing where we agree, and work from there. Be open to seeing why someone has the viewpoint that they do. This was brought home to me last night when I was watching Why we Fight. In the special features, the director talks about how he had been in red states and blue states (showing his movie), and then interrupted himself to talk about how red and blue are just a way to divide us; how our country is really more purple. If we can be kept focusing on our differences, then we are distracted from working together on important things.
One other somewhat related thought. When you read these books, or watch these movies, you may despair, thinking there is no hope; there is too much corruption, everyone is bad. I think it is the opposite. I think there is a lot of corruption and evil, but I think most people are basically good. Not perfect, but most want to do good things. I think we all contribute in some way to the bad that is going on; not through evil intent, but through ignorance. The more aware we are, the more we are able to fight the evil. It is not a hopeless fight, because if most of us want to do good, then we will do good once we are aware. So we need to spread awareness. Not in a militant way, but in a loving way. My journey to the awareness I have come to has not happened all at once. Just ten years ago I would have ardently opposed some of my current views, but most of my current views are about things I was generally ignorant of even ten years ago (what will the next ten years bring? What an exciting thought!). You never know who is ready to be open to learning more (or when...sometimes it is years after something is suggested to me before I am ready to dig into it), so educate yourself, and take other people along for the ride. And remember, it is a ride. We don't ARRIVE all at once. We just reach scenic views along the way. Enjoy!
Let me clarify. I think that if people have high moral values, pure, unregulated free markets work wonderfully. It is just like this quote on government by James Madison, "What is government itself but the greatest of all reflections on human nature? If men were angels, no government would be necessary. If angels were to govern men, neither external nor internal controls on government would be necessary." If angels were to govern men, neither external nor internal controls on businesses would be necessary; however greed and powerlust come into play. The almighty dollar (really funny money anyway; why does it have such a hold on us?) comes before our fellow-man, preserving beauty, quality in craftsmanship, creating true value, being wise stewards. When we care more about making money than about these things, that is when free markets start to lose their appeal.
I've read lots of books that have influenced my thinking about these matters. Henry Hazlitt, Frederic Bastiat and Ludwig von Mises are some of the great writers who have helped me see the wonders and benefits of free markets. But I've also seen documentaries and read some books, Shock Doctrine by Naomi Klein being one of them, that have helped me to see that when a business gets too big, and gets too much power, there can be huge problems with that. Read the book and watch some of my recommended documentaries, and you might see what I mean.
HOWEVER, I don't really believe that when a business gets that big with that much power (so much influence on foreign and domestic policy, for example) that they are working within a TRUE free market, because they now have powerful interests watching their backs and hampering the competition. Therefore, I believe those particular businesses or industries need to be reigned in. But I don't think that they will be reigned in by the powers-that-be, because the powers-that-be have too much of a vested interest in the industries.
I have always, in the past, been against regulations and rules. There are way too many of them. Read The Death of Common Sense: How Law is Suffocating America by Phillip K. Howard for an interesting read about that. I think that The Death of Common Sense is an appropriate title for our time. We have too many prohibitive rules that make it hard for the little guy, and we let the businesses that profit from warmongering, polluting, and generally causing grief and suffering slip through the loopholes.
What can we do? Obviously most of these businesses won't self-regulate, and our elected (and unelected) officials aren't stopping things. So it is up to us, the little people, to educate ourselves, make more conscientious choices about who we elect and who we support, and speak up without being ashamed. I know, easier said than done. We need to be open to learning the truth, wherever it comes from. Black and white really have many shades, and just because I believe A and you believe B doesn't mean I am all right and all good, and you are all wrong and all bad. Yes, there are absolute truths. But not everything has only one answer.
Summary to all this rambling: If men were angels, free (unregulated) markets would work the best. Because men are not all angels, some (not ridiculous and excessive) regulation is necessary. Also, the little people need to do what we can. Working together, we can make changes.
Other summary to all this rambling: We need to start seeing where we agree, and work from there. Be open to seeing why someone has the viewpoint that they do. This was brought home to me last night when I was watching Why we Fight. In the special features, the director talks about how he had been in red states and blue states (showing his movie), and then interrupted himself to talk about how red and blue are just a way to divide us; how our country is really more purple. If we can be kept focusing on our differences, then we are distracted from working together on important things.
One other somewhat related thought. When you read these books, or watch these movies, you may despair, thinking there is no hope; there is too much corruption, everyone is bad. I think it is the opposite. I think there is a lot of corruption and evil, but I think most people are basically good. Not perfect, but most want to do good things. I think we all contribute in some way to the bad that is going on; not through evil intent, but through ignorance. The more aware we are, the more we are able to fight the evil. It is not a hopeless fight, because if most of us want to do good, then we will do good once we are aware. So we need to spread awareness. Not in a militant way, but in a loving way. My journey to the awareness I have come to has not happened all at once. Just ten years ago I would have ardently opposed some of my current views, but most of my current views are about things I was generally ignorant of even ten years ago (what will the next ten years bring? What an exciting thought!). You never know who is ready to be open to learning more (or when...sometimes it is years after something is suggested to me before I am ready to dig into it), so educate yourself, and take other people along for the ride. And remember, it is a ride. We don't ARRIVE all at once. We just reach scenic views along the way. Enjoy!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
